One characteristic of abusive personalities is that there are common tactics that most use. These tactics create a pattern of behavior that can give us clues to their motivation and their intentions for the relationship. What is interesting is that our society, and Hollywood in particular, tend to ‘romanticize’ these very behaviors that abusers use to ‘hook’ their victims. Here are some examples:
- Love Bombing
Abusive personalities will attempt to ‘sweep’ their potential victim ‘off their feet’ with an outpouring of ‘love’ and attention. They will send flowers, buy gifts – especially extravagant gifts, send multiple messages, call multiple times, and show up wherever they think the potential victim may be. Far too often it is labeled by the recipient as a ‘romantic’ display of ‘love’.
- Quick Commitments
Once the abuser ‘sweeps them off their feet’, they will push for some type of quick commitment – moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, and pushing for unprotected sex to create a pregnancy. It is an intentional ‘whirlwind relationship’ meant to trap the victim before they have a chance to see the abuser’s true colors.
- Bait and Switch
Once the victim is committed, the abuser feels more secure showing who they really are. It becomes a literal ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ situation where the abuser goes through these cycles of abuse, apologizing, love bombing, and pushing the victim into recommitting to the relation. Every cycle the abuse gets more intense and escalates more and more.
- Jealousy
An abusive personality is very jealous. They feel as though they ‘own’ the victim. So often, our society portrays jealousy as ‘romantic’ and as an indication of ‘true love’. It’s actually a ‘red flag’ for an abusive personality.
- Stalking
Stalking is never ‘romantic’. It is about controlling the victim and refusing to let go so that they can live a life free from the abuser. There is a high correlation between stalking and murder of the victim by the abuser.
- Isolating You From Family and Friends
An abuser will try to create an ‘us’ against the world mentality in the relationship. They will carefully weed out any contact with family and friends – especially those that start to see through their thin facade. The abuser will point out flaws and shortcomings of those closest to the victim in order to drive a wedge. They will also attempt to move away from anyone that might be a threat to their stronghold of control. They love to move to isolated locations – including family farms where other family members will cover and turn a blind eye to the abuse.
- Telling you that they will ‘take care of you’.
An abusive personality loves to make you completely dependent on them. They will encourage you to quit your job so that they can take care of you. They will say that you don’t really need a car so that they control where you can and can’t go. They will take control of your finances so that you don’t have the resources to leave them. They will constantly call and check up on you under the guise of protecting you and keeping you ‘safe’.
It’s important that we know the warning signs and characteristics of an abusive personality. For more information or for help breaking free from an abusive relationship, call 1-888-554-2501, anytime, day or night. For help in Conway County call 501-354-1884. In Perry county call 501-889-2030.
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