If you or someone that you know are dealing with domestic abuse, what are the ‘red flags’ that the abuse could turn deadly for you? What are the signs that things could get serious very quickly? Here are some questions to ask:
- Do they tend to think that they ‘own’ you? This may start off relatively innocent-sounding. They may begin by declaring their undying love for you. They may tell you that you ‘complete’ them. But it can quickly change to a possessiveness where they tell you how to dress, who you can hang out with, where you can go, etc. You become ‘theirs’.
- Do they tend to be controlling and jealous?Domestic abuse is all about having power and control over the victim. If the abuser begins to feel as though they are losing control of the victim they will lash out and latch on even tighter. It is very common for them to declare that if they “can’t have them”, speaking of the victim of their abuse, “then no one can”.
- Do they have a weapon available that they could use? A jealous, controlling abuser with a weapon is a very dangerous thing. One moment where they lose control of both you and themselves could equal death for you.
- Do they use drugs or alcohol? Drugs and alcohol do not cause abuse but they weaken the inhibitions of the abuser and open the door for them to abuse with more and more destructive power and less restraint. And already out-of-control abuser becomes more deadly when their mind is under the control of another substance.
- Do they struggle with depression? Depression may drive them to such a hopeless state that they want to end their own lives and they may choose to take you out along with themselves.
- Do they tend to isolate themselves from others? Anyone who isolates themselves lives in an echo chamber of their own thoughts and opinions. That is a very dangerous place for an abuser to be. They convince themselves that it is them against the world. That no one understands. That they are all alone. They often become paranoid and suspicious and close themselves off from others more and more. And dangerously, they will try to keep you trapped in isolation with them.
- Has the abuser threatened to kill you and/or themselves? Take those threats seriously. If someone is already abusing you and they are threatening to kill you, themselves, or both you and themselves, this is a huge red flag that they may follow through and actually do the very thing they are threatening.
- Does the abuser have a history of violent behavior? Have you heard stories from exes of abuse? Does he have a criminal record of assault, battery, terroristic threatening, or domestic abuse? This is a huge red flag. Past behavior is a very good predictor of future behavior. Have you seen them punch holes in walls, throw things or similar types of acting out? Believe what their behavior is revealing!
- Have they attempted to choke/strangle you? You have already been very close to death! This is a very real and dangerous sign that you could die in the next violent outburst against you. Take this very seriously!
- Are you trying to end or have you recently ended the relationship? This is a very dangerous time for a victim of abuse. Most deaths of domestic violence victims occur right after the victim tries to end or succeeds in ending the relationship. You may need help to navigate this safely. Contact us here at The Safe Place for help with things like finding a ‘safe place’ to stay at our shelter, filing an Order of Protection, developing a Safety Plan for leaving, staying safe after you leave, being safe online and with technology, and much more. We can help you connect with resources to get you started on your way to freedom from abuse.
For help breaking free from an abusive relationship, call 1-888-554-2501, anytime day or night. You can also call 501-354-1884 in Conway County and 501-889-2030 in Perry County.
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